in all chaos there is cosmos

our lady of perpetual eyebrows

2007-07-27T02:53:23Z

nonna died on july 23, 2007. she was 81. it's best this way, because it was killing her children to watch her wither on life support for the week prior.

when my poppa [her husband] died 10 years ago, i wrote him a poem that i placed in the casket before it was sealed for good. i don't write anymore, so a poem for nonna seemed out of sorts. so i ended up drawing something that looks like a 5 year old did, and maybe i meant it to be that way. if i had to bet money, i'd say my nonna's favorite color was animal print because she was always sporting leopard, zebra, snake skin print. hence, the badly drawn animal print hearts. and it's coupled with hearts and candy-like-ness because when i was young she used to have a slice of wall sectioned off for really fun stickers. rainbowy, sparkley, unicorns and heart stickers and once, when i was 5 i had scratch and sniff vanilla stickers, and all i wanted when i got them was to have nonna put one on the wall. she did. that wall's not there anymore but i remember how i used to stare at it during sunday dinners at 2:30 and then let my eyes drift to the desk next to it that cased thousands of nail polishes. nonna was always prim and pretty. i wish i still had some of that nail polish that i took from her and never returned...

tomorrow, im putting my 5 year old drawing in the casket with her before it's sealed for good. ill still think about the stickers on the wall and for what it's worth, ill pray to "our lady of perpetual eyebrows" that nonna comes back with enough eyebrow hairs so she doesn't have to futz with drawing them on every day.

i love you, nonna. and i always will.

my my

2007-03-07T02:22:10Z

on a scale of 1-10, it's 4.5 drunk

and i HAVE NOT smoked a cigarette because of it.

and i haven't in 8 days.

life's fucking living.

and again.

2007-03-01T21:43:05Z

it's been 71 hours since my last cigarette.

and this is a piece of cake and it's salt on a bleeding wound. i only really freak out when it's time for when i "should" be having a cig, namely afterwork and lunch break. i FREAKED OUT on lunch break today and found myself aimless driving around by myself and fake shopping at michaels to keep myself busy. im kinda dying now, as i got outta work an hour ago. other than these two times a day, im fine. i really hope the intensity subsides eventually. im nervous about socializing. ive always been a social smoker.

i might not gain weight after all. i hardly have an appetite today. i think mainly because ive been drinking water like a mad woman to keep the cravings away. 150 oz on day one, 100 oz yesterday, and 100 oz so far for today. these numbers dont include the coffee ive also been drinking, which is all water because i take it black. and ive only been eating fruits, veggies, and yogurt because im terrified of eating fried, greasy, yummy food because those things taste even better followed by a cigarette.

so it's not that bad. and itll be easier soon, because i said so.

de-scum 2

2007-03-01T00:24:04Z

it's been 50 hours since my last cigarette.

today was a lot easier and just as bad. i only get super antsy during my lunch break and when i come home from work. time wasn't slowed down to individual molecules today. for the first time in months, years even, i am not bored. the paniac and determination is keeping me on my toes. i am alive and proud of it. it's good, great actually.

im worried about next saturday because im supposed to get drinks with my cousin. i can fathom everything except for alcohol with out cigarettes. for the meanwhile, i think i have to axe drinking too. progression through positive regression: christina goes backs to sxe.

tomorrow will be easier still because i said so.

de-scum

2007-02-28T02:31:17Z

it's been 28 hours since my last cigarette.

i have expereinced every single solitary molecule of time today. this is easier than i thought it would be and more torturous than id like to admitt. ive drank 140+ ounces of water today. my body is uterrly confused: no more drought and no more smog. i feel good and i feel terrible. this is the longest day ever but im going to do it again tomorrow.

and it will be easier, cause i said so.

i wrote an entry about math. what?!

2007-02-22T01:49:35Z

sometimes i wish i could branch out of the way i view the world. granted, i can, when i try to see things from a perspective i dont normally adhere to but when it comes down to it ive realized that my whole life ive looked at the world from a more or less philosophical lense. from the way i question things, read into things, analyze and compare and contrast things ive always been fairly philosophically pragmatic about life and my experiences. and that's well and good because that's who i am. but lately ive really felt this pull towards physics. quantum physics in particular. ive been reading various things over the past 6 months or so that deal with the principles of quantum mechanics in relationship to understanding consciousness but have stuck to only such sources that deal with it in laymans terms. basically, ive had to omit all talk of math and equations in my research because i dont have the "necessary" background in math. but it's more than being clumsy with carrying the 1; im bad at math because ive never understood the world mathematically. i do believe there is a distinct way in which to understand spatial and temporal relationships and experiences from a mathematically lense and ive only just recently come to that realization. in other words, i understand the point of math now even though i cant grasp it. and im really saddened by the fact that now i can understand the importance of math because i wish i had really learnt the basics in school to apply them to the reading i want to do now. i BARELY made it out of pre-calculus my senior year of highschool-- i have not even the slightest clue as to how one deals with the math associated with physics.

dylan and i were talking about probablities of reality yesterday. i can understand the implications of probabilities but i cant understand how one actually figures out these probabilities in the first place. we did a simple problem together dealing with dice and instantly i started to think far too into it. i think i complicate the issue of math more so than it actually is because ive just never truely developed the way to see things mathematically.

i really, really want to read stephen hawking's a brief history of time. i also really really want einstein's relativity. i bought a copy of each of those books-- and an extra copy of a brief history of time so dylan can read it with me. i hope im not in to far over my head with this reading-- but i just realllly want to read these things. i realize that these books for the most part can be dealt with by "laymans" but im still pretty fresh to this stuff: not only do i not know the mathematically underpinnings, i know very little of the basic terminology. i dont mind sitting with a dictionary open while i read or underlining and rereading things 4 times. i really just want to grasps these things but still...

my point is that, even though there are volumes to be grasps from the material im reading now, and even though i feel like what is said in physics' "layman's" terms can convey what math has originally said, i still feel and wish whole heartedly that i could understand the math in the first place. because even if i can grasp the layman's version, i still dont know if everything mathematically can be explained for philosophically [but then i suppose this issue is one of the weightest to be dealt with for real physicists]. it's the problem of getting lost in translation and for the first time in my whole damn life, i regret not taking better care for learning math.

who the hell would have EVER thought id grow this soft spot for my most hated subject ever?!

from urbandictionary.com

2007-01-22T05:13:44Z

1. christina-ism

A religion that centers around Christina for anyone who loves/admire/worship Christina and aspires to be just like Christina.

Dude, I'm a Christina because I believe in Christina-ism.

yeah, damn straight!

inside_out @ 2006-11-11T16:13:00

2006-11-11T21:13:56Z

i bought myself this yesterday:

i pick it up wednesday. im realllllly excited!

wired wire

2006-11-10T05:37:39Z

i made this pendant a few days ago:

it's not finished yet but im really happy with it so far=]
i just really wish i could figure out how to take better quality pictures of my work. sometimes i make stuff im really proud of and my photography skills seriously compromise the quality of my work. it's really annoying. id really like to start selling things but i wont be comfortable doing so until i can capture things the right way.

halloween party. 10.27.06

2006-10-31T01:23:01Z

so the halloween party was pretty damn successful. nothing got broken, no one died from drinking and driving, we didnt run out of food or alcohol, the cds didnt skip too badly, we made back the money we spent, and A LOT OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE CAME! actually what was weird is that the invitation said 9pm, and almost everyone was there by like 9:15...ha, i really thought people would be fashionably late. what was a little sad for me was that most people started heading out by like 1230-100 because i think the endless alcohol flow had people wasted earlier than i wanted. i figured we'd be done cleaning by like 4, and in actuality we were done by like 230 bc everyone was tuckered and twisted by then. oh well. it went by really really fast and i definitely want to do it again.

i also realized that i have the greatest boyfriend alive because he took care of A LOT of loose ends that i [and my friends] forgot to consider [like taking out the garbage multiple times while the party was going on so we wouldnt have like 90 piles of trash]. i kinda fucking love that guy.

i didnt take as many pictures as i wanted because i was too busy talking to people. im alittle bummed about that but here are some:

china-love part 40

2006-06-14T00:06:31Z

it's happening.
it's really happening.

i'm gonna go to china.

on sunday i got my tesol certification. my presentation rocked. and now all there is to do is think of a million things and find a job. ive already starting looking for jobs and apts and ive been reading china's current events every night. i cant even tell you what's happening here but i can tel you what's happening there.

karin mentioned living together. and it makes me so happy to think of living with her there and maybe it makes me a little uneasy too incase i get my hopes up if it doesn't happen. it will be a billion times easier to move to a new country and get settled if i have a silly american sharing an apt with me.

ugh. but i have so much to think about. like inflation. and taxes. and health insurance. and visas. etc. before i go. it's daunting but i want this. hopefully ill be on a plane come sept/oct. hopefully i wont forget to consider something. hopefully ill be scared shitless and totally fall inlove with the sensation of being motivated by a little fear and alotta craziness.

i cant believe that im making this happen.
i cant even find words.
im really fucking excited!

inside_out @ 2006-05-22T21:32:00

2006-05-23T01:32:52Z

aj's dead

and that's..... crazy.

sweaty miguos

2006-03-26T03:13:53Z

i just got off the phone with my darling karin and it was a conversaation that sent my blood-pressure into hyper-speed and now my minds all dizzy-dazzlely crazy. we talked about china. the past few weeks ive been playing on and off with the idea of teaching there but really not knowing how to go about it. my research has only lead me so far. but it turns out karin and julian have been wrestling with the same idea and found out about a program at fordham that certifies you in teaching ESL. the program is in the summer, during the weekend, so i could still make my money during the week. afterwards they give you 6 months assitance in finding a job abroad. being that china is in super high demand for native english speaking teachers, getting a position pretty much seems like, well, a breeze.

and so know it seems like this could very well go from daydream to reality. and im all sorts of freaked out and crazy and excited and nervous. i want to go because i feel like when im 80, regardless of how my life turns out, i'd look back and regret not going. when it comes down to it i love putting myself in crazy situations and seeing how i fair and i have no doubt that this experience wouldnt be wonderful.... im just sooo nervous. but oh god, teaching in china. oh god! it makes me deleriously happy thinking about.

oh man
decisions.

hi-holy!

2006-01-16T08:51:34Z

i am simultaneously stunned and excited:

http://walken2008.com/

inside_out @ 2005-12-17T23:35:00

2005-12-18T04:36:32Z

i am officially in love with this

car jargon

2005-12-13T05:08:57Z

so is it totally quirky to get REALLY excited about your car insurance quote from geico.com?!

[o god. i sound like a commercial]

i just did a quote for the car i'd like to buy soon [toyota corolla 2005, no, not 2006].

and my estimated quote is 98.25$ A MONTH!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[yes, i understand that i used the free quote page, and that my actual rate might be a little more but DAMN, 100 bux-ish a month would be awesome!!!]

I QUALIFIED FOR THE FIVE-YEAR GOOD DRIVER COVERAGE!!!!!

o god, car, im gonna get you soon!

gluttony and greed greed greed

2005-11-15T01:57:54Z

when i used to write out christmas cards when i was little
some times i'd mistakenly change the -mas in christmas to -ina
and ended up writing "merry christina"....

that said...

1.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P127112&categoryId=C540

2.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P41537&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=S5000

3.
any and/or all urban decay powder eyeshadows

4. oh hell, just a straight up hefty gift certificate to www.sephora.com

5.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009HBP9Y/002-0035599-0228019?v=glance&n=130&n=507846&s=dvd&v=glance

and there's probably some more stuff... but im too lazy to think harder about it.

it's really oct 18...

2005-10-19T03:41:24Z

today was a great day:

1. qualified to get a scholarship for early childhood certification online, including 12 college credits, a waivering of my mandatory staff development hours, and text books. 12 CREDITS FOR FREEEEEEE!!!

2. got my very first class photo with my kids today. and aw damn we're all so cute!

3. talking to EZRA LEBANK!!! and im hoping to see him thursday. i miss him sooooo much!!

self-love; gloat gloat

2005-10-01T00:25:13Z

holy shit
i just did THE best makeup job ever!

omg ive never looked so fantastic

okay wait... let's rewind

1. been working with little babies. each day im a dancing monkey, cleaner of tushies, and a mommy-in-training to keep the kiddies smiling. and all in all, i really love it. working with kids makes me so damn happy.

2. finally going out for a good-ole-fashion-girls-night. i missed a boat load of those over the summer because of the negative funds in the wallet and the negatives thoughts in the skull.

3. speaking of negatives thoughts, the strange summer time slump i found myself in after china has been licked, mostly because of my job. when i have too much free time i dwell on insignificant shit and turn myself on my ear. so im glad to be working, glad to be living and glad to be parading this fabulous eye makeup.

4. today is marisa's 22nd bday bash, that's why im dolled and dainty. i just thought how ive been friends with maris and sher from around the time of 3rd grade. that's 14 years of love and o man am i happy girlie.

5. im in a really good mood. this is a written reminder to the christina of the future that may find herself in other slumps: you ARE capable of being silly-inlove with life. youre a fighter baby, and ull always find a way to shine + smile.

mmm...monnneeeyyy =]

2005-08-31T18:08:39Z

won't be broke for much longer cause....

i gotta job today!!!

inside_out @ 2005-08-17T10:57:00

2005-08-17T14:59:49Z

i have an overwhelming urge to take out my last few dollars from the bank and blow it all on legos. mmmmm legooos =]

(why are they so damn expensive?!)

its a good day; a red green and blue day

2005-08-05T19:46:35Z

aug.05.05.

i keep thinking

"today is my graduation day..."

and can't help smiling like a fool to myself. because today is *really* the day i graduated from college because now i have all the credits accumulated. and today is the day i can finally stop sucking in my breath hoping like hell i really finished what i started. it's been a whirl-wind, it's been a punch in the jaw, and a jumpstart of the heart, and dear me... it's done...

...because senior year threw me for loop-after-crazy-fortunate-misfortunate loop. and it took all that this lady had, and then some, to kick her frantic way thru; so much blind faith and suffociated, delay tears channeled into angry energy to make all the deadlines i had to. this year has been the most trying of my life. and so it turns out, i got to be the victor and oh how sweet the victory is ....

its so sappy and self-absorbed, but i dont think i've ever been so proud of myself.

today is my graduation day and i am the happiest, most appreciative girl in the world....

its such a glorious sweep of relief and it taste so overwhelmingly good...

omg omg omg omg!!!!!!!

2005-08-05T11:04:10Z

it's

MY GRADES FROM CHINA HAVE BEEN POSTED MAKING ME OFFICALLY THE PROUD OWNER OF A BACHELOR OF ARTS IN PHILOSOPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

the reality of adjustments.

2005-07-23T01:16:35Z

i miss things i can't even label.

i miss things i haven't seen/touched/tasted/heard in years.

i came back here
and realized i have to build my life out of whatever i can find.

no school to fall back into in sept.
no career/job worthy of taking long term.

just the blinding, wide-fucking-open future
[all the possibilities in the world with nothing immediately possible]
and all i can manage to do as of late is
stand here with my mouth agape.

where did time go?

one of many culprits

...dreams

2005-07-15T07:03:26Z

i keep dreaming of china.

i keep dreaming of leaving her and crying myself silly.

the last dream was of me leaving this beautiful house and garden. and chinese mike was hanging out the window and i was bawling my eyes out on the "plane". the "plane" was really a huge bed. and i was sitting next to a woman who apparently was one of my teachers in china but i've never seen her in real life. she was sitting on top of a kitten. a white one. some how this kitten was all sorts of chinese-brilliant and was capable of saying 'los angeles' because thats where our plane-bed was stopping. and then i woke up.

the dream before this, i dreamt i was lost within the stuffed walls of a ware-house flee market in china with my once in a blue moon friend kristin. we missed the "bus" back to america so we opted for riding the chinese subway 24/7....

i miss china.
im 'home' sick.